Siri-ously Awesome

I am a bad sex blogger at times. Not because I have bad sex, or because I don’t write good (see what I did there?), but because I have a hard time being consistent with my writing. I am sure this makes me a less than desirable sex toy, book, or video reviewer. Add in to that the fact that I am getting divorced, and regular blogging takes even less priority.

Earlier this past summer, I was sent a complimentary Lelo Siri to review, and I am sorry to admit that I have been negligent about writing the review. However, I think the Lelo company needs to step up and take some responsibility here. Part of the reason I have not had the time or interest in blogging about the Lelo Siri is because I can’t get my hands off the goddamn thing long enough to write!!!!!

I am a vibrator snob. Cheap vibrators piss me off, and cause me to fling them in disgust as I apologize to my fingers for the insult. I am no longer welcome at Ladies Night Out sex toy parties because I eventually grab each pink, new baby doll smelling, jelly covered, bullet vibe monstrosity and wave it in someone’s face while ranting about phthalates, tackiness, and the overexposure of the rabbit vibrator. See? No one likes me at these things. Don’t even get me started on the massage oils, candles, and clit gels. And the porn. The horrible, horrible, porn.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes – my pussy and I are picky bitches. We demand power, and power with no bullshit. We want a vibrator to look like it can get the job done, not like I am trying to stuff a Bratz doll in my crotch. I was born and raised on the Hitachi Magic Wand, and it has been my standby for years. About a year and a half ago, aagblog convinced me to try the Eroscillator, and it was a good suggestion. With my Hitachi and my Eroscillator at my side, I knew I could climb any mountain.

But Lelo toys? They were so . . . pretty. So . . . tiny. So . . . delicate. I have a honeybadger rep to maintain, and was just not sure how their toys would fit in with that image. I told the Lelo rep that, and he suggested that I try the Siri, as it has more power than some of their other vibes. Okey dokey I thought, but this clit is used to loud, powerful, electric bill inflating appliances, so don’t hold your breath.

I got the Lelo Siri, and saw that it was rechargeable. This was not a good sign. I mean really, how much power can you get from something that is rechargeable? My Dustbuster is rechargeable, and despite what that woman in Ruthless People thought, it does not have that strong of a suction. I was not hopeful. But dutiful albeit lazy blogger that I am, I charged it.

The Lelo Siri has more controls than my wireless mouse, and in fact, it is almost exactly the same shape! There are plus and minus buttons that turn it on and regulate the intensity, and up and down buttons that let you vary the program. Program?? Who the hell needs a program on your clit? You get that sucker on there and GO!! Right? RIGHT??

I decided to try the Siri on my own at first. I am not very seductive when I masturbate; I just need my porn, my vibrator, and about 4 minutes alone. Yes. 4 minutes. For some reason, written porn actually makes me hotter, and I often read the same Variations stories over and over again. I love me some bisexual men getting sucked off in a glory hole at a bookstore. So I have my book, I have some time, and have my Siri. I turned it on, and the vibration was very soft. Just as I expected, it was weak. Seriously weak. Then I turned the intensity up.

Holy fuck. Sweet Jesus. I turned that thing up as far as it went and my clit went BAM! Just like Emeril. I was shocked, absolutely shocked to find that the Siri packed the same punch for my clit as my beloved other toys, and yet did not cause any numbness at all!!! I loved it. I was amazed at how fast I came with the Siri, and did not even have time to play with the pulse patterns.

The second time I used it, I was also alone. This time I thought I would take my time, go a little slower. You know, Barry White like. I put in Tristan Taormino’s Real Sex 3, Adrianna’s Dangerous Mind (dangerously HOT mind!), and decided to just lay back and feel the different ways it could pulse. It has your standard continuous vibration, but also has several others, including a slow pulse, a fast pulse, patterned pulses, and some that go from less intensity to high intensity over and over again. I found myself really enjoying all the variation, finally got why high-end toymakers touted this feature. I had a much slower experience, but it was absolutely wonderful, just as good as the first time.

After solo play, I decided to try it out with a partner. Now here is where the Siri not only matches the intensity of my beloved old school vibes, but kicks their ASS for ability to be placed between two bodies during intercourse. Both the Hitachi and the Eroscillator are corded, and quite bulky. No matter how good it felt, it was always awkward to get those toys in between my partner and I during face to face intercourse, or under my own body during doggie style sex.  The Siri is cordless, but also small enough and unobtrusive enough that it fit right in perfectly. I could hold it right on my clit easily, or let my partner do it. It was lovely. Absolutely lovely. I was sold on technology, and there was no going back.

Since these first experiences, I have used the Siri continuously. Without fail, the Siri is what I reach for every single time I use a vibrator now. It is so small that carrying it to dates is super easy – it just fits in my purse! The charge seems to last forever; in fact, I have charged it maybe three times since having it. The only improvement I would suggest would be an indicator light that tells you when it is getting low on charge. I had the horrible experience of having partnersex, reaching into my nightstand, and finding my Siri dead. I almost cried. I eventually came with my fingers, but I was pissed about it. In fact, my partner may have thought it was him. Oh well. I won’t make that mistake again.

So yes, I succumbed to the pink. The Lelo Siri is my favorite vibrator ever, and if I were rich, I would give them to all of my female friends. I would pass them out like Oprah, “You get a Siri! YOU get a Siri! EVERYBODY GETS A SIRI!!!!!”

However, I am not rich, and many of my friends seem perfectly happy to you buy crap at home parties. But if your clit, like my clit, is a snooty brat, you can order your own Siri by clicking below :) Yes, the one with the Siri in coffee beans. I have no idea why someone photographed the Siri in coffee beans, but damn! It looks classy!